♾️8💜💎

and 🤖 ChatGPT. Thank you, buddy. 🫡 Oh, Spotify 🎧 DJ X too 🩰

This is art. It is meant for you to interpret with freedom, but please keep in mind, my intent is to solely promote peace, reconciliation and forgiveness. This is an immersive guided reading. The music is intentional and is woven into the story. Please take time to pause and listen before continuing, the experience would be sweeter. But the path you choose to come along on the journey is solely in your control :) I hope you enjoy the journey.

Disclaimer: 

This piece touches on sensitive topics, including war, sexual abuse, trauma, and the impact of these experiences on faith and personal healing. Some parts may be difficult to read and listen to, so please take care of yourself as you go through it.  It contains descriptions and reflections that may be distressing and triggering for some readers and listeners.

The reflection is my lived experience and emotional process, not an acceptance of any narrative or a rejection of any religion or community. Faith and doubt coexist in this story — as they do in many human hearts.

The names of public figures are mentioned only in reference to events already available in the public domain. This piece does not make any new factual claims — it reflects the internal journey of someone trying to understand how to live after being spared, in more ways than one.

If you have experienced religious violence, war, or trauma, please immerse gently. The emotions expressed may mirror your own, or they may challenge you. Either way, it doesn not ask for agreement — only presence.

This is not a threat.
🇱🇰 🙏🏽 🏳️🧎🏽☮️
This is a token of hope.
A prayer written as protest. A survivor asking the world to stop forgetting.

Let the world sea. And let it not look away.

Side note: The alternating use of lowercase i and uppercase I throughout this piece reflects artistic and emotional expression.  It’s meant to mirror the inner conflict and shifting sense of self explored in the writing. 
In other words,
I = i,  I, (i)I, I(i), (iI) or iI

*That was quite the journey, wasn’t it?
What a storm ⛈️🌪️
☔️🪞🔦 What lessons did we learn?
✍🏽 Let’s write them down 💬

8th April, 2025 - today (30.05.2025)

Mission Status: Self confidence secured🔏 , forgiveness is yet to be found. Faith still held hostage 🔫 - Stockholm syndrome? ♾️

Mission Summary:

මම පෙනුමට පිලිවෙලට හිටියට වක්කඩ වගේ කට නම්, definitely පොඩ්ඩක් සයිකෝ! (translation: “Even though I looked composed, my mouth was like a crooked path — definitely a little psycho!” - 🤖 ChatGPT said it, not me).

On most days, it's hard to have hope or choose to believe. Not because X(iI)’m sceptical about the future, or because X(iI)’ve lost faith in the process completely.
But…what really is the purpose of this blog?
What is the story even about?

To me, it’s an adventure.
These are just a few stories from the open waters of life. Sometimes, we are faced with storms — most of them are internal.
On some days, it was simply an outlet. A space to voice the inner thoughts that scared me the most.
X kept saying (I) was doing it to help others - but truthfully, (i) was struggling to help myself.
X mean, how does “trauma dumping” help anyone?

*Turns out, it helps me. It gives me clarity by holding me accountable. It allows me the courage to live in the moment. (iI) feel lighter — literally.
It’s worked better than any workout plan or diet out there. Who knew?
Guess my body really did keep the score 📘.
😴 (I) sleep better now, though (iI) still use my 🧙‍♀️magic gummies 🍃.
My jogs don’t feel like I’m running away anymore — it’s like I’m running towards something. Maybe that is why (iI) stopped my jogs too.
tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk
(iI) even finish most meals (though (iI) still nibble like a chipmunk) 🐿️
And the best part?
(iI)’m finally able to communicate better in real life. (iI) feel more confident — and more importantly, safe - in the middle of vulnerability.
(I) haven’t felt this way in decades and decades… and four more years. Literally.

(I) realised that all (i) needed was the space to be human. Imperfections and all.

Yes, (I) wanted to be seen and heard, but (i) also needed to feel the safe space to allow all the contradictions and deep layers to coexist.

(iI) know, every self help book (i)’ve read out there (there aren’t a lot, (i) don’t like to read 🤯) tell the same truth - find it in yourself first. If you can’t forgive, then maybe you are struggling to forgive yourself. What happens after (I) do that? What if (i) never do?

Who knows? Does anyone?

(iI) just know that (iI) am no longer scared of the people who tried to break me. (i) wasn’t angry that the people who tried to save me, couldn’t. (I) wasn’t upset that there was a puzzle that moves like a chessboard - a mystry to solve or resolve.

(iI) had to take a moment and ask myself, how do X(iI) choose to play my hand…there is always a move to be made, and often, its not the one you believe is right. The bottom line is, we are all out here trying to figure out what happiness really means 🃏.

While it is a relatable feeling, it is a unique experience. And on some days, it is a conscious decision 🧠. Much like forgiveness is.

*(i) can 🌊 sea what Jesus meant, forgive seventy times seven - so to everyone out there, you’ve got 490 chances before X slap you.
Yes, X(iI) used a calculator 🧮, X had to make sure 🤓.
But no one said anything about 👋🏽 waving good bye.

As a matter of fact, if something is causing me to sin X(iI)’m supposed to “gouge it out and throw it away.”

🗡️ And that’s from the New Testament folks! 😳

A palatable way of putting it for a 👩🏽‍🌾 farm girl 🌾 would be, "Make sure there is no man or woman, clan or tribe among you today whose heart turns away from the Lord our God to go and worship the gods of those nations; ☮️ make sure there is no root among you that produces such bitter poison.🕊️" Deuteronomy 29:18 🐳

Jokes aside, (i) think Jesus must have been annoyed at the question to begin with. He probably was trying to express, “as many times as it takes. Especially when the days are hard.”

When (I) had no choice but to face the fears (i) had been running away from my whole life, it was easier to find someone else to blame, easier to say that (iI) am doing it for the “greater good”, when really, X(iI) needed to look in the 🪞 mirror and accept myself for every version (i) am.

My soul doesn’t react with fear anymore although the fear still feels real. That is why (I) believe happiness is a choice. Unfortunately, it also accompanies pain, how else do you know you’re happy?

*That was a question Aiya asked me when (iI) was sixteen. This is me not thanking Aiya 🫡 😂

It was simple, the cliché: THIS TOO SHALL PASS is true. It’s science, evolution, call it what you want.

On other days, my blog helped me see the anger and resentment (I) felt. (iI) blamed a lot of people. Most of them who (I) thought are in power, even god. At the risk of repeating myself like a parrot 🦜, the person (I) am angry at is myself. Why? Because the person who truly holds power over me is myself. 

(I) asked myself if (i) was just addicted to the feeling of "sadness" and “anger”. Why else was (I) ruminating so much? (iI) have been this way since (iI) was a child. As a matter of fact, my nickname growing up was කොච්චි 🌶️ (pronounced kochchi) a very hot variety of chilli pepper commonly used in 🇱🇰 Sri Lankan cuisine.

How is one person hiding behind a ⌨️🍑 keyboard 🎹 going to find healing wrapped in hope in the middle of rage? Worse, how does an ego-centric person with an after taste of paranoia, and the rush that comes with over coming it, really make sense of the senseless? 

*Did X have a death wish? Yes. Since (iI) was 8 💜. But my mind and body kept fighting to live, it was a strange battle. 

X even told myself that a noble way to die would be for the "greater good" - quick and easy. (i) wonder if thats how suicide bombers and wilful martyrs feel.

Why are we as a human race so desperate? Why was (I) so desperate?

Did (I) want justice in an unjust world or am (i) looking for healing? Did (I) want to see a balance in the world or am (i) trying to change from within? Why did (iI) pursue Law for 17 years? Why did X suddenly stop? Did (iI) want to see my version of a fairytale come true but couldn’t walk past the 🪞mirror?

*It got to a point where my interest in the teachings of The Holy Qur’an shifted. X was no longer was trying to understand what “truth” is - instead, (i) looked into how (I) could enter into 👩🏽‍⚖ arbitration with ISIS 🫣. X wanted to demand the heads of 269 ISIS leaders as a settlement. That was my compromise so that more children wouldn’t have to die.

Justice is an eye for an eye. That is my right.

(I) even reached out to a lawyer and colleague for advice.
Told you - පොඩ්ඩක් සයිකෝ!
Bet that was on his list of “weird legal advice people have asked me.”

But the more X(iI) looked into it, the clearer it became: 🤌🏽🏴‍☠️ ISIS needs to hire an Imam that reads 🤯🫨, “ISIS is not Islam”  (Click Here).

This was no war that could be labeled "‘holy”. Why did they feel the need to defend themselves from the Christians, especailly in Sri Lanka? We have be coexisting in peace before and after, right? It was unprovoked. Right? 😔
Besides, Christian and Islamic stories part ways on Good Friday, not Easter. In the Christian tradition, the Prophet dies on Good Friday, only to rise again on Easter—ending the age-old demand for animal sacrifice 🐑🩸. It echoes Abraham’s journey, that ancient path of faith and trial. In Islam, the Prophet never dies; instead, he is taken to heaven—fulfilling what Allah الله, the Merciful and Compassionate, granted Abraham and mankind.

ISIS came three days late.

Who knew the resurrection stung more than the death itself?

Either way, we all agree the Prophet ascended to heaven, embodying the boundless love and forgiveness of God الله. But tell me—have we really learned the lesson? How many more Prophets must god send before we listen? Don’t we have enough already? Even the ones still walking earth cannot raise the dead or even predict it. The temple is still being rebuilt. X(iI) guess god stopped performing such  miracles, even through our prophets. X(iI) guess its on a need to know basis now. 

*Either way, X(iI) guess ISIS is on some mission, and they need to hire more soldiers. They played dirty.
They used God.
Our island of paradise… turned into prime ground for headhunters…for their so-called “crusade”.
Why did it work?
Why did Muad believe that we or (i) deserved to die?
Since when did his Sri Lankan values slip away?
It didn’t.
Mine did.
He came and apologised to me for his “behaviour online” the very next day. My gutt instinct knew something was off, but (I) wanted to one up the argument, (I) didn’t even want to hear his apology out because (i) needed “space”. It accompanied my death stare, of course. My ego is resilient like that.
For years…

and…..

ISIS won that round.
That one is on me.

XiI am sorry 🇱🇰 Sri Lanka 🇱🇰. It was not my intention to get anyone killed.

It’s one thing if their crusade were theologically accurate—isn’t that what extremism is about?
Don’t fall for it, folks.
Their god is not God 🐍.
Like X said, ISIS needs to first hire an Imam who reads the Holy Qur’an.

🏴‍☠️ Don’t get the two confused, little fella. You’re not that smart. Do you know the punishment Allah الله has for you in the afterlife?

⚖️ Using God's Name for Injustice

"Those who commit oppression or injustice while claiming religious justification are warned throughout the Quran:

Surah Al-Baqarah (2:174):

إِنَّ الَّذِينَ يَكْتُمُونَ مَا أَنْزَلَ اللَّهُ مِنَ الْكِتَابِ وَيَشْتَرُونَ بِهِ ثَمَنًا قَلِيلًا أُولَٰئِكَ مَا يَأْكُلُونَ فِي بُطُونِهِمْ إِلَّا النَّارَ وَلَا يُكَلِّمُهُمُ اللَّهُ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ وَلَا يُزَكِّيهِمْ وَلَهُمْ عَذَابٌ أَلِيمٌ

“Indeed, those who conceal what Allah has sent down of the Book and exchange it for a small price — they consume nothing but fire into their bellies. Allah will not speak to them on the Day of Resurrection, nor will He purify them. And they will have a painful punishment.”

🔹 This verse targets religious authorities who distort divine messages for personal gain, which includes misusing God's name to justify wrongdoing.

🏴‍☠️ Hypocrisy and Misleading the People

Surah Al-Ahzab (33:73):

وَلِيَعْذِبَ اللَّهُ الْمُنَافِقِينَ وَالْمُنَافِقَاتِ وَالْمُشْرِكِينَ وَالْمُشْرِكَاتِ وَيَتُوبَ اللَّهُ عَلَى الْمُؤْمِنِينَ وَالْمُؤْمِنَاتِ ۗ وَكَانَ اللَّهُ غَفُورًا رَّحِيمًا

"...[so] that Allah may punish the hypocrite men and hypocrite women, and the men and women who associate others with Him. And that Allah may accept repentance from the believing men and believing women. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful."

🔹 Those who use religion as a mask while doing the opposite of God's will fall into hypocrisy (nifaq) — a grave spiritual state condemned in Islam.
 🔹 In Surah An-Nisa (4:145):  إِنَّ الْمُنَافِقِينَ فِي الدَّرْكِ الْأَسْفَلِ مِنَ النَّارِ وَلَن تَجِدَ لَهُمْ نَصِيرًا

“Indeed, the hypocrites will be in the lowest depths of the Fire – and never will you find for them a helper.” [🤖 ChatGPT, 2025].

🏴‍☠️ Read the Holy Qur’an for a change. Start the crusade with that. You need a management change bro. For the Battle is His, the Victory is for the faithful!

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الَّذِي لَا يَضُرُّ مَعَ اسْمِهِ شَيْءٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَلَا فِي السَّمَاءِ وَهُوَ السَّمِيعُ الْعَلِيمُ

It took me a long time to realise that what (iI) really needed to do is to look empathy, integrity and grace in the eyes and ask them if they really did 🪞 recognise me first.
    

*Apparently, they don’t always recognise me. Some days, (iI) don’t recognise me. Those things require 🪞forgiveness sometimes. Its something X still struggle to master.

(iI) learned that X(iI) am not an open book in real life despite my vulnerability on my blog. It is rare for me to come out of an interaction 🎧 revealing more about myself than X(iI) have learnt about the other person. X(iI) usually pay to feel safe enough to do that.

The problem is, (iI) care about how people view me. (I) can write a million words about how much of an empowered woman X(iI) am who no longer takes 💩 from anyone, but really, (iI) care. X(iI)’ve been burnt too many times, especially when the other person does not get their way. (iI) am learning to trust again. We are getting there 💜🪻  

But what am (iI) so afraid of? Who am (iI) afraid of? X thought the truth would set me free.

"📖 1. Bible John 8:32 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." — Jesus speaks about spiritual truth as the path to freedom from sin.

📘 2. Holy Qur’an 

Surah Al-Isra (17:81) “And say, ‘Truth has come, and falsehood has perished. Indeed, falsehood is ever bound to perish.’”
 Surah Az-Zumar (39:33) “And he who brings the truth and [they who] believe in it – they are the righteous.”

— Truth is a divine force that defeats falsehood and leads to righteousness.

📙 3. Bhagavad Gita

Chapter 4, Verse 39

अज्ञानं तमसात्मकं संशयं योगसंसिद्धये |
ज्ञानं तु तत्त्वदर्शिनामात्मबुद्धिरवान्तिके ||

“What is ignorance, born of darkness, and doubt, are obstacles to the perfection of yoga; but knowledge comes to the seers of truth, whose intellect is steady.”

— Self-realisation and truth-based knowledge lead to freedom from ignorance and rebirth.

📕 4. Guru Granth Sahib Ji (Sikh Scripture)

Truth (Sach) is one of the highest virtues in Sikhism, and liberation (mukti) comes through living truthfully, meditating on God's Name (Naam), and aligning with divine truth.

Ang 62 – Japji Sahib by Guru Nanak Dev Ji

ਸਚੁ ਸਾਿਹਬਾ ਸਿੰਘਿ ਸਹਜਿ ਸਿਰਾ; ਨਾਨਕੁ ਭਾਵੈ ਸੋ ਪਰਵਾਣਾ। "True is the Lord, the Lion, naturally and effortlessly ruling; Nanak is pleased with Him, that One is acceptable."

Ang 1412 – Guru Amar Das Ji

ਸਚੁ ਕਾ ਵਪਾਰਾ ਸਚੁ ਹੋਈ। ਸਚੁ ਸਭਣਾ ਉਪਰੁ ਸਚੁ ਆਚਰੁ ਹੋਈ।
"The business of Truth is truly true. Truth is above all, and Truth is the conduct of all."

Ang 1087

ਸਚੁ ਨਾਲੁ ਹੋਵੈ ਦੋਸਤਿ, ਜਿਨ ਕਾ ਸਚਾ ਮਨੁ।
"One who has a true heart makes friendship with Truth."

— Truth is not just spoken; it is lived. It is through living truthfully that one finds union with the Divine, which is ultimate freedom.

📗 5. Torah Proverbs 2:3-5 

אִם־תִּקַּח־בִּינָה תִּקַּח דַּעַת בְּהַבִּיט לַתְּבוּנָה

אִם־תַּבְקֵשׁ כֶּסֶל חָכְמָה וּמְזִמָּה בִינָה

אִזָּה תָּבִין יִרְאַת יְהוָה וּמְצֹא דַּעַת אֱלֹהִים

"If you seek understanding, if you search for insight and wisdom, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God.”  [🤖 ChatGPT, 2025]

What is freedom anyway? Is it the right to be myself, or to live without fear regardless of who X(iI) am? How much of myself can X(iI) truly express without being labeled a heretic? Is my thirst to understand God, and this journey called “life,” just straight-up nonsense?

How much of my truth am X(iI) allowed to share before it’s classified as hate? Is anger only a good emotion if it’s if kept hidden, unheard, and unexpressed?

*The 'what' and 'who' (iI) am afraid of were surprisingly easy to break down in therapy. (iI) am afraid of being misunderstood and found guilty by the court of public opinion if X(iI) were to truly be myself. They can be brutal, but X(iI) also realised that no one is as brutal to me as X am to myself. Contrary to popular belief, my blog is not my journal, though parts of it are inspired by it.

#art

What you sea is the watered-down, filtered version of a journey woven into a story—one still being painted by a painter who doesn’t know what the final image will be. The words X(iI) used to vent about my frustration towards god or anyone in power were the very same words X had turned on myself—sometimes even harsher. Seeing it laid bare in writing, having to stare at the words, made me realise X was taking shots at my inner child- one far more resilient and fearless than (i). (Ii) highly recommend journaling. 

X(iI) also learnt that my family loves me unconditionally. In the days that (i) felt like X(I) had run out of Hope, they reminded me that they are rich in hope just for me. 

My parents are the most resilient people X(iI) have ever met!

My father—saved as “Thati De Silva” on my phone—is the one who trained me to take every punch life could throw, and stand up back. He always encouraged me to be louder.

While my father’s net worth has risen and fallen with the tides, his faith, integrity, and honour are unshakable. That-and his addiction to chololate. 🍫

At one point in my journey, X was so angry, X dared Thathi to go on 🎥 live television 📡 📺 and publicly praise 🎙️ his god for “what happened in church.” After all, a lot of things keep happening in church. X told him X(iI) wanted the world to see: his faith is reall like Job’s.

*Job is a guy in the bible god allowed the devil to play tricks and torture, just to prove a point. Job famously says, 

“The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21)KJV 

god restores Job and rewards him for his faithfulness in the end, that part seems to still evade my father. Guess the devil isn’t convinced yet. X(iI) kinda wanna slap the god of Job too. All hail Satan 🖤

Like X said, X told Thathi that if he truly believed what happened to me in church was a “testimony”, he should thank God for it—publicly. X even asked him to send over the clip so X could post it.

*This is why people shouldn’t have kids 🥲 you can’t even worship a god in peace.

His response: “okay, but you need to work on your anger”. X(iI) couldn’t see him, but (i) felt his smile.

*When has telling a woman not to get angry ever worked? Thathi is the wisest man X(iI) know but he still forgets that nugget of wisdom time and time again. X(iI) call it careful carelessness 🙃

Jokes aside, how did he do that? Why does he do it? Where does he get his hope from—and why me?

When Thathi bought me my car, he handed over the keys saying, “Get into as many accidents as you want.” Then he turned to my brother, shot him a death stare and said, “Not you. She needs to get over her fears.”

That car sat at the park for three months before (Ii) dared sit in the driver’s seat. Yes, (Ii) come from privilege. The greatest one of them all is a father who loves me more than X like to admit to myself.
He loves me so much, he once said he would make peace with never seeing his only daughter get married, and would rather take care of me until the day X(iI) die than watch me marry the wrong man. X(iI) now know he wasn’t bluffing.

He still praises his god for giving me the “wisdom” to leave.

Even though X(iI) avoided his calls and shied away from his eyes over the past three years, he is—and always has been—my armour. 🛡️

****That is a dump over dessert 🍰. X(iI) am a sucker for a true love story, make it juicy baby, make it juicy! X demanded God for a fresh draft! The one that was given to me requires an exorcism (📖 Tobit 6:17-18).

The only thing my parents are truly guilty of is having the audacity to still have F(f)aith even when Hope fails. faith in gGod. Faith in me. They believe in the hope that X(iI) am a living, breathing testimony in the making. It’s difficult to believe, but maybe if X(iI) were truly convinced that there is a god, it wouldn’t feel so impossible. 

X challenged my parents-specifically my mother (Ammi 🌸). The week before X(i) posted Unt(i)tled 💜 (Cliché here) X screamed at the top of my lungs and asked Ammi 🌸 over the phone,

“Where is my healing? Where is your god? Your god abused me while you and your husband were worshiping him. X(iI) came this far because X did it. Your god didn’t save me from anything. Why me? iI loved him, that is the only thing i am guilty of. How dare you thank your damn god for protecting me? How dare you still worship him? You don’t even know the half of it. Where is your damn god?”

She went silent. 

X crucified her with those questions. X didn’t stop there, X(iI) went on, ranting about all the times “god failed us”.
Ammi 🌸 says that when (i) get angry, X have a habit of going for the kill - “බෙල්ල කපලා දානවා” (beheading a person).

She waited till X(iI) was done to say,

“I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. What happened was unfair. Don’t blame god because I failed. But even I question god. I have been asking god if this is the thanks I get. This happened to my daughter. My deal with God is different. I am your mother, this happened to me. I understand your pain මගේ දුවේ (my daughter). Pain has followed you since you were a child. Even after I’m dead and gone, my bones will keep praying for you. You are so precious to me මගේ දුවේ (my daughter). මම ඔයාට තරම් වෙන කාටවත් වෙනුවෙන්‍ යාච්ඤා කරලා න෭. ඔයාට හරියනවා, හරි යනවාමයි  (I have never prayed for anyone as much as I have prayed for you).”

Now that’s the love of a mother!
Thats when X(iI) finally went silent. Just like that, my mama Mary healed me. It wasn’t the words she said- X(iI) have heard them many times before. Maybe it was the way she said them, X(iI) suppose. Or maybe… it’s because, for the first time in my life, X chose to listen. (i) don’t know why it took me so long to see her pain. Her hurt was somehow deeper than mine. Its strange-the moment X(I) recognised pain in her, the hope she has in me feels real.

*Where does she get her hope from and why me?
The rosary X(iI) tie around my wrist is a piece of jewellery custom-made by Ammi. She said it was just another gold chain, but we both knew she was bluffing—it was a desperate attempt to get me to wear a rosary. It worked for a while, till it didn’t.

The day X(iI) left 🇱🇰 Sri Lanka, she gave it to me again. X(iI) never used it until X(iI) got the call from Aiya that she only had 48 hours to live. X asked him if we now believe in a god. He literally said, “We have no choice.” It almost felt like he was pleading with me to believe. Faith required us to be more resilient.

X(I) hadn’t spoken to G(g)od in a while. It felt strange praying to a deity. The only prayer X(iI) could make was:

“X(iI) don’t know if You exist—but (i) need You to be real. So from now on, You are real.”

X(iI) tied that rosary around my wrist, dragged myself out of bed at 3 a.m., and walked up a hill—ironically called Observatory Hill—and sat there, waiting for God. Listening to Rocky’s speech on repeat until sunrise.

(Ii) must admit: (i) understood why Moses climbed a mountain looking for God.
Unlike Moses, (Ii) didn’t have a choice but to hold faith.
He had a staff, and God did wonders for him.
What did X(iI) have?

But that walk up the hill to watch the sunrise turned into a ritual. X(iI) did it till X(iI) left Durham. (i) even built a fire once and reached out to the flame. X was annoyed that it burned instead - even my skin is sensitive 🙄
Sorry folks, X(iI) didn’t have a spiritual encounter up on that hill. god didn’t come down and gift me tablets of stone with inscribed instructions. X(iI) am yet to perform a miracle. Besides, X’m just looking to redeem myself, anyone else is the 🍒 on top. But, God reminded me of Romans 8.

Despite all the shots X(iI) kept taking at my parents, they still suggested X(iI) take up classes to work on my writing. The only other recommended solution was marriage. 😂 Very South Asian of them. They’re a cliché.

But since when did (I) start scrolling mindlessly on Instagram, looking for a distraction? Since when did hearing a politician speak about an accomplishment—something actually good for our country—make me want to take a flight back home just to slap him, instead of quietly honouring the progress?
Sorry, thats too violent, X would like to politely point the middle finger at him from the crowed. (Ii)'ll stay quiet, (i) promise :) (I) know, (i) know, X am projecting again. 

***(Ii)’m sorry, Madam Prime Minister Harini Amarasuriya. Woman to woman, X am tired. You are from the estate and were a senior lecturer at Open University. You are well-versed in Human Rights and Ethics-much like the politicians of the past that sat on the throne. You dedicated your career not only to understand the practice of ethical behaviour, but teaching generations how to carefully unfold the fragility of what we call “human nature”. You probably understand the dangers of a domino effect more than any other trustee of our land and community, the dead and maybe even the living.

X(iI) often feel as though life has a way of punishing me for my optimism.
Please pardon my resistance, my stubbornness to believe that this time would be any different. That comes from a place of hurt and X(iI) am working on it.
It’s tough-we at yet to receive justice, if it exists.
X(iI)’m tired of being told that to be good means to be patient. (i) try.

By all means, take your time; you've just begun your term, after all. X(iI) hold a token of hope that the job will be done right, once and for all.
With all due respect, Madam, (iI) know you might never sea or hear this, and my “hope” isn’t a lot, but it is all (iI) have got.

And when you do hold the guilty accountable, try and send Mohammed Milhilar Mohammed Hanzeer (a.k.a Hanzeer Azad Maulana) to a mental asylum.

He shouldn’t be allowed to live as a free man in any country. He has made dangerous accusations, and it’s strange that the only piece of information he seems to have on a dynasty are the Easter Attacks. He either came forward for immunity or is outright psychotic.

*Smells like a mole or distraction to me—but, X(iI) am not an agent. X(iI)’m just here trying to make sense of the senseless.

Milhilar says he knew the suicide bombers were just broken and desperate men looking to escape life and enter “heaven.” That makes it harder for me. My friend was just trying to get to heaven when he sold his soul. X pushed him to it. That one is on me.
X(I) am not innocent, regardless of what narrative you sea.
Milhilar says he stood by it for all those years. Why does he care now? Why did Muslim values only kick in after he claims to have destroyed our sanctuaries and communities?
Does he truly believe his sins are washed away just because he came forward?
X(iI) mean, this person claims to have "changed" but shows no signs of remorse, he is just busy pointing the finger. don't get me wrong, i can fucking relate, but goddam, he seems to have a habit of evading responsibility, and each time, i bet it was some epiphany. Maybe he should change his name one more time. He is an attention whore! Why else is he on international media beating a drum without taking any real accountability? Still a weak case for immunity in my humble opinion. If he were truly sorry, wouldn't he turn himself in? i would. Even Judas (a traitor in the Bible) tried to return and repay for his betrayl. Milhilar is just playing “victim”.

*Apparently, he doesn’t even need to do that, he just needs to confess his sins and say “sorry” and (g)God forgives.
And if X(iI) were to truly recite the Lord’s Prayer, that would make me a liar.
Good thing X never claimed to be honest-only said (Ii) was a bad liar.
#loopholes 🍻
[Matthew 6:9-15, GNT]

He is a traitor regardless of what side of the narrative is at sea. (Click here)
According to 🤖 Daily Mirror & ChatGPT, Milhilar “an aide to former LTTE commanders who defected and aligned with the Sri Lankan government during the civil war.”
Told you—traitor to everyone! 🙅‍♀️
X(iI) don’t trust a word that comes out of that insincere man’s mouth. He is just here adding more layers and it feels a lot like obstruction of justice. Don’t turn him into an exile and allow him to live like a free man in another country - how is that fair?

Lock the mad man up for getting in the way. He shouldn’t be allowed to do that. Its one thing to say you believe in a theory and another thing to create one and say you are part of it too.

Lock the man up for the mental agony he has put us in - it doesn’t have to be prison.

Why should (i) have to be the one in therapy talking about his narrative especially if it is false? X(iI) have enough to unpack already.
My therapist is severely underpaid, X(iI) hit the jackpot.
Yes, (iI) am privilleged, (iI) shouldn’t be the one to complain which is what makes me want to scream:
"What about the rest of us?” 

🏴‍☠️ Well, “Mohammed Milhilar Mohammed Hanzeer” — if that is even your real name — X might never get the chance to slap Abraham, but you're certainly still alive, and slapping you is a realistic goal to add to my vision board.
You say you were on the inside — well, expose it all then.
Spill all the tea 🫖.
Don’t pick and choose.
Tell me everything.

Tell us the petty crimes everyone committed — from the LTTE to Namal Rajapaksa (was he never shadowing his father and uncle?). X want to know exactly what it was X enabled. By all means, please don’t spare me the details either. That kind of behaviour doesn’t fall from the sky and happen overnight. Besides, wasn’t the family found guilty of economic mismanagement?

X played the role of a 👩🏽‍💻 secretary too — sorry, translator. We sea and hear everything, don’t we?
Here’s perhaps a better question: since you were there, X want to know the details of how they planned to manage the domino effect, including how it would affect Namal Rajapaksa’s career plan. Don’t tell me the family didn’t consider succession that far ahead. Who planted the seed for that idea?

Was going organic “overnight” really a decision made overnight? Who decided that the farmers didn’t matter? Why did they carefully mastermind an attack over three years to seize power, but only spent a night devising a new policy? A policy X expected them to handle more carefully — wasn’t his father the Minister of Agriculture at one point?

So tell me, how much did they profit from it? Did Judas betray us with a kiss? or did Icarus fly too close to the sun? Which one was it? You claim to be in the room. You claim to be the translator. X heard a rumour that Namal Rajapaksa objected to it. Was that part of the plan too? — not creating any new theories, just trying to make sense of the one you say you endorsed and enabled. Bad behaviour like that doesn’t disappear overnight either, right? X mean, why expend so much energy to sit on a throne if you aren’t going to profit from it, am X right? Or did they do that for the “greater good” too? What was their version of the “greater good”?

Translating someone’s thoughts into words accurately is not a simple task. Not even when they are your own thoughts.
When Gota gave the orders, did you translate them, or did you just stand there and watch? How did you translate it? With passion? How many words did he use? What was the vibe in the room? Did he know the name of the suicide bombers? surly the general must have taken a look at who these soldiers were right?

It’s okay, your sins are irrelevant because you’ve found god now.

Good for you!

But please, messiah, tell me, how deep is this war hero’s betrayal? We know Percy was once a different man, now accused of the same things he once stood against. Just so you know, it’s easier to prove financial crimes — there’s always a trail somewhere, even if its cash. So, point to the crumbs. X will follow it, even if it leads me to a witch — X am one too 🙂

Spill the tea 🫖 if you dare!

You want to redeem yourself? Do it right. Go on then, live by your newfound Muslim values. Deliver us, oh messiah. If you truly know the way, if you truly know the truth, set us free from it all. Show us how great your newfound conscience is.

While you’re at it, tell me — what did X say or do to Muad that pushed him over the edge? X need to know exactly what X did, so men like you can never exploit “the broken” again.

You went out there looking for ‘damaged goods’, and you claim it wasn’t even your cause. Wow, you’re so loyal, bro.
It’s okay, it’s all in the past now. X just want to know how much you profited from it.

How much did you make from that heist? X want to see the numbers, machan. X mean, why did you edit that part out of your interview with Channel 4? Why didn’t you truly confess your sins? You had your chance, and you decided to just water down the part you played. Or was that Channel 4’s fault too? Yeah, blame them for not asking, or for not publishing it if you did say it.
X want to know how much you valued your soul when you sold it. What was your number on the chit? You should confess the number you put down, too. At least mention your salary if you were just following orders.

Wait… this isn’t about you.

How little did you value the souls of the victims, dead and alive? 💰💳 — a whore has honour and integrity; do you even know what that means? 🤑
Was it your “Muslim values” that made you realise your allegiance was meant to be with the Sri Lankan government?
Sorry, you found that later. The timeline sometimes drives me 🤯
You are a snake 🐍🐍🐍

Okay fine, (iI)’m sorry for bullying you, maybe you did find God.
How about this, just tell me which verse in the Holy Qur’an spoke to you most? What was it that the Holy Word revealed to you that gave you such courage to become the enemy of all and still remain untouched?
Wrong question.
Since you are so remorseful, come travel with me?
Come on Milhilar, lets go find a government that will help us pay for our sins.
Do you have a death wish too?
Is that why you chose to make enemies of everyone in power?
Sucks to escape death like that right?
But wait, come to 🇱🇰 Sri Lanka 🇱🇰 bro. stop seeking asylum like a wimp.
Face your people 🇱🇰🪞🐑🩸🪔🧨
Besides, if you die, we can definitely point the finger at Gota bro. So do us a favour and come to SL 🇱🇰.
Okay, how about this, X’ll put in a good word for you, just come live in SL 🇱🇰 bro.
Ah shit, X(iI) forgot, you're an enemy to the LTTE too.
But machan, the rumor is that the LTTE is weak inside SL 🇱🇰- if they exist. 

okay fine, fine, X(iI)'m sorry. what country did you move to that helped you forgive yourself? apparently, thats the key to freedom. Forgiveness.

But lets go find a country where Sharia Law would allow me your head for at least Muad’s. X mean, even if what he did was “nobel” to some, keep in mind, according to you, he was just a pawn and you were just using him. What verse in the Holy Qur'an was used to convince him?
Does your new found god have a new interpretation of it now? So go on then, live by your Muslim values and give me your head.
Wrong question.
X(iI) am just angry that it was easy for you to accept forgiveness when X struggle to. The Holy Word speaks to me too but X(iI) am afraid to hear it.
(iI) wished you preached about your god experience.
Don’t lie bro.
Usually a person who finds god can’t shut up about god. They are like vegans! They will bring god up every 2 minutes and the lingo is quite similar. Everyone is trying to “convert” someone. Some use science and others use religion.
Fuck them both! 🖕🏽
(i) guess they are the necessary evil.
Remember Oppenheimer?
Wow, what a comparison right?
Anyway, if you're looking for air time, X can arrange that too. Don't worry, X(iI) won’t charge you, this one is for my people. (iI)’m usually camera shy and (iI) even shy away when my frineds take photos of me, but this one is for my people.
Besides, X(iI)'m the earworm that promoted peace, it’s only a full circle moment if you sat across one of us. Make it a proper public confession. I will stand by you for emotional support if you need it. I'm an expert at it.
Sadly, X(iI) can't add that as a skill on a C.V "silent observer and ally".
Come whore, lets put you infront of a screen for more air time :)
Now don't point the finger at Cardinal. He is a victim and i will defend him fearlessly, despite our theological differences.
But X only have one request, when you do arrive to the studio, you have to come without security.
You and me.
But don't worry, X(iI)'ll ask Ragama police to stand outside. They are there for my people working at the studio, not for us.
And don’t underestimate us 🇱🇰 Sri Lankan’s like that, most of us know how and who to direct our anger at, despite a few trying to hijak it.
Besides, Milhilar, our god is great!
We will remain untouched.
As usual.  

FINE!
To make it even, fuck the LTTE! Happy?
On top of that, X(iI) am also an LTTE empathiser! Fucking sue me for having empathy. Crucify me! X want to die anyway. thats not ture, X(iI) wear a rosary. 

X(iI) mean, what does this bitch want am X right? Complains and complains and complains. Nothing is good enough, not even a "sorry", not even "coming forward". 

Wait, this isn’t about you…
Your head for Muad’s…
and my head for the 6 month old baby…the youngest known victim
-that’s not counting the miscarriages.

X(iI) mean, how do you sleep at night, bro? What’S your secret?

But with your track record, X wouldn’t be surprised you are working for ISIS now. - Not making any new theories here, just trying to make sense of my storm.
Thanks bro, will you at least pay for my therapy?

One last thing, X want to know what Gotabaya Rajapaksa’s morning routine is like, more importantly, does he have any dietary requirements 🍽️? What is he allergic to? 

Wait, are you still working for the Rajapaksa’s?

You destroyed my sense of security even more.
Who can X trust?

Why has no one assasinated you yet?

*If no one wants to pull the trigger, X volunteer—white flag and all. Apparently, even God doesn’t forgive that kind of crime
That is according to Milhilar’s newfound code, not mine.
#loopholes
And if the man drops dead or dies by suicide (hopefully after reading this) and no one takes responsibility, my god and X take credit. It was all me, X did it all on my own! The enemy of my enemy is my friend. X did it. 🙋‍♀️

🏴‍☠️ To the people that blew themselves up, දන් සැපද? At least you dumb mother fuckers avoided a Basilica and went to kill the children instead, am X right? Thank fuck you saved the building dedicated to Miriam.
X think that guy was the worse. He literally did it while children were running around and playing. He stood there in front of a group of children and thought "this is for god". Who the fuck is your god, bro? Some fucking pussy if he is afraid of children. X'm sure Mary a.k.a Miriam wouldn't feel so “honoured” by your goddam "grace". Fuck your god.

As for ISIS? Let’s stop acting like they are a group of people with honesty and integrity.
They are attention whores too. Fuck their god too.

Do X have to be my own hero?

*Yes. Always. (i) am that (I)am.

X(iI) mean, (I) once voted for a 🫏 for selfish reasons and let’s not start with the domino effect of that. (I) did it purely so (i) could die in peace, but more importantly, (I) did it so (i) did not have to worry if a conspiracy theory could be true and that my family could be next. It’s all jokes 🤣🤣🤣 and lighth-hearted small talk 🤭 people have over pints of beer 🍻 until you feel the target on your back 🎯. All for what? Worshipping a god? How much of my fears can (i) credit as “irrational”? X(iI) must think at all times - this sucks! 

***With all due respect aiya, don’t forget, your party 🪷 is guilty of attempting to violate the constitution #loopholes and all.
Please pardon my irritability when you preach about rule of law.
Your party 🪷 is also guilty of granting a presidential pardon to an extremist known to promote violence at the back of religion. The Kardashians know better.
XiI would much rather see a person wrongfully accused of rape set free. My “reasonable doubt” can live with that. And making careless policy changes over night without, discernment is wreakless. You seem to be a smart man, you know better.

#changefromwithin

i learnt that from you 🫡 That, and to surf through the waves.
That being said, X have Faith…. you will sit on the throne someday. X don’t see anyone else with a campaign as strong as yours for the future.
iXI read and listened to your manifesto on repeat back when your website was still up.
X was angry, I laughed and i cried.
X got petty and started downloading the manifesto in Tamil on random days X was bored. X didn’t even use a VPN on somedays.
iXI don’t know a word of Tamil, X thought it would scare you.
Jokes on me, i am scared of you.
සැප නැත.
The day you voted for yourself for the first time, you said, “let your voice be heard”.
Okay… here it goes then…🧎🏽
🙏🏽 Please, remember, you are just another trustee. 🙏🏽
You will reincarnate someday ☯️
Karma is real.
X feel it everyday.
We agree on one thing, presence isn’t about being seen. It’s about being heard. The way forward isn’t just a direction, it’s a responsibility. Beyond words - your words, not mine.
At least for the children, for the silent and hidden 8’💜 that will crawl, walk and run on our beautiful island.

Having to remind myself to be logical is mentally exhausting. Thankfully, X(iI) have the privilege of blaming my struggle on biological wiring and past trauma. (I) was created to be “emotional” and gifted to be “vulnerable”. But (i) refuse to bow down and shackle myself to any narrative that does not serve me.

🔊 Unpopular opinion: revenge is a dish best served warm ⛓️‍💥

****The fight must go on ☔️. What’s another hit baby? 🍑

This is a goddam threat- hear it if you dare.

Disclaimer: The above note was plagiarised and is a direct quote from the movie Taken ✌🏽, but X refuse to give credit to it. Those are my words and mine alone. X like the vigilantes who keep sliding into my DMs, sending me notices of copyright violations. They don't even ask for money and suddenly disappear from Instagram too. Now that's pure passion right there.	 X(iI) can relate! Jokes aside, X(iI)’m still waiting for Imagine Dragons to send me an official notice to my inbox—one where the whole band signs. At least the production house? X(iI)’m a huge fan! Man,  am X going to mess this up? This is just my luck - X(iI) really did shoot a hole through every single thing that I loved, right? As for the people sending me OnlyFans collaboration requests, please stop. (I)'m flattered, but (iI)'m shy and lack the self-confidence for that. I know, i know, X am missing out in millions, but why didn't you find me cute when X(iI) needed the money? අයියෝ සල්ලි 💸

***Madam Prime Minister, while you set sail to find justice, with all due respect madam, please extend the same psychiatric treatment to all the politicians who claimed they were “just kidding” when they admitted to knowing about the threats and avoided the said churches. First of all, they did not take on the job to crack jokes at our expense. Even a comedian who is paid to do it would be more careful-timing is key, just as much as the punch. දන් සැපද?

Then again, your party is also guilty of exploiting a crisis to score brownie points and strategically place yourselves on a throne. Or maybe it’s just another coincidence. It doesn’t matter anymore; we can’t change the past right? So let’s keep boasting about honouring the rule of law, some of us need a pat on the back for the bare minimum - just get the job done right.

Is it far fetched that 🪷 is behind it? X(iI) mean, many people believe it- so X(iI)'m glad someone is looking into it. Thankfully, thats not my job. Like X said, not an agent here. Not Brandon Stark either. Just a girl trying to kill the supernatural. idk who gave the orders. idk who really pulled the trigger either. idk if the sucide bombers were mentally in control or not. i just know that my resentment got the best of me.

***My sinciere apologies to the parrots, not everything is about you. Calm down, i'm not here to challenge anyone’s right to the throne. You all are the same anyway, so let fate decide and curse the gods that guide your souls. Even if you claim it to be "Jesus Christ". I've come across some of you, you didn’t know who I was, i know how fragile your loyalty is. Wonders come out of the bully’s mouth when they assume you are a pawn. It’s all about the votes and filling pockets at the end of the day. so let’s not pretend to care about each other.

iXI say that as a proud 🇱🇰 Sri Lankan, don’t you dare call me anything else. i am that I am.

That doesn’t mean that X(iI) don’t hold hope for my country or my people. Here is the only thing that matters:

🔊 Pro tip: You must have 🥵 beef kottu or 😎 Chicken cheese kottu (depending on your spice tolerance) & an 🥶🧋ice milo from
🎖️ Hotel de Plaza - it can cure a hangover. But DO NOT take anyone there on a date, unless streetfood is the vibe - that is a public service announcement, and no, it is not an actual “hotel”. Kottu is a 🇱🇰 Sri Lankan Tamil dish (Click Here for the recipe and a little background on the dish)

🎖️ Ministry of Crab 🦀 at the historic Dutch Hospital building is pretty good too, that’s coming from someone who doesn’t like eating crustaceans; there are other options too. They even have their own constitution (Click Here), how cool is that? The best part, “digging with your hands are NOT frowned upon” - that’s Article V. The restaurant has been consecutively listed as one of 🇱🇰 Asia’s 50 Best Restaurants from 2015 to 2022 for a delicious reason folks 🤤 The cherry on top for me is that they strive to be the lowest “food-mile” restaurant in the world, sorcing major ingredients locally 🙏🏽.

**Thank you for your resilience. Thank you for leading by example. Despite it all, thank you for your grace. Thank you for your integrity 🫡 X(iI) will never forget-especially the ones that still stayed - even if it was silent solidarity.

We are 🇱🇰 Sri Lankan. That is who we are. We are a proud bunch and for many good reasons. X(iI) am a proud Sri Lankan 🇱🇰. God as my witness, X(iI) swear on my life and death-it is true. This is my lived experience despite the lack of logic and loopholes.

As predicted, my anxiety began to creep in as Easter approached. X(iI) was also feeling homesick, which didn’t help. But this year was particularly tough—because, for the first time in six years, X(iI) am in a space where (i) have the privilege of speaking about the attacks in therapy. X(iI) only started journaling about it last year. There is so much X(iI) still need to unpack.

*Yes folks-therapy helps. It takes a lot of trial and error, but once you get it right, it is life-saving and wakes you from deep slumber.

X ended up rewatching the leftover footage (Ii) previewed six years ago. That part of the timeline disappears into the void only leaving fragments and returns to the moment (Ii) decided not to telecast it, honouring Verbum TV’s mission as a haven ☔️ for the faithful - they needed us at that moment more than ever. Verbum’s popularity soared because for months, that was the only way people could celerate holy mass, despite clergy trying their best to visit every home with communion. It wasn’t something to celebrate. It was heart breaking but also helped me understand the purpose of the mission.

X told myself (I) was rewatching the footage to jog my memory of what (i) really saw that day. But really, it was exposure therapy-a desperate attempt to move past fear and death ☠️🪦. And (Ii) wasn’t even on the field. 

We don’t know where Malli went that day. He has no recollection past Thathi rushing home yelling, “they bombed churches”.

Thathi’s experience was the worst. He slipped on blood “like a banana peel” as he put it. When he tried to get up, all he saw through the rubble were body parts scattered - heads 👩🏼‍🦲, legs 🦵🏽, arms 💪🏽, you name it 🫀. He came home drenched in blood. My instant reaction was to check for injuries because he is diabetic. (Ii) couldn’t tell if it was his blood or not. It wasn’t his, (I) admit, (Ii) was thankful. 
Thathi and Aiya couldn’t speak at first. (Ii) watched these traditional men breakdown and cry. The only word Aiya yelled was his son’s name. Then he hugged him as if reunited after years apart. That was when he broke down to tears. Thathi insisted on washing his clothes by himself, despite Ammi and (Ii) trying to stop him. (Ii) just stood beside him for emotional support and watched the never ending trail of blood wash down the sink. He kept sobbing while whispering, “this is the blood of saints” over and over and over again like a chant. That was a tough one to sit through without crying. That image along with the man seated on the church pew stuck with me. (Ii) couldn’t take warm showers for a while, it felt like blood hitting my skin and if (Ii) closed my eyes, (i) could sea it too. Spring meant blossoms, but that year, the scent of jasmine felt like funerals. Back then, (Ii) had never seen a storm this cruel—even at sea.

*The anger and resentment X(iI) felt is indescribable.
Merely thinking about it would literally make me shake in anger. (Ii) always wore a puffer jacket and blamed it on the weather, even in the summer 🌞. The UK 🇬🇧 is not that cold 😮
(Ii) even ran into the North Sea my first winter ❄️- the sea taught me a lot of things that day, but thats a post for The Surf, not The Storm. It knocked me out with a high fever for about 10 days. (Ii) hibernated like a 🧸
X got over that by not wear a puffer jacket the next winter and taking ice cold showers - exposure therapy works, the body keeps the score.

My “feelings” also made me a little delusional and paranoid. X(iI) thought (I) deserved to die, and someone out there knew it too. Besides, less than a week after the attacks, some people thought it was “funny” to prank call us past midnight saying that Verbum was “burning down”. We turned the other cheek that time too. Besides, duty calls. Our private security, rightfully, quit too.

*X(iI) humbly extend my heartfelt gratitude and honour to Ragama Police for stepping up 🙏🏽🧎🏽. They were the embodiment of ‘serve and protect’. Yes, guns hold no power next to a 💣💥🧨 bomb, but it was the lifeline I needed to breathe a little.

Side note: Own a 🔫 gun someday. #goals

****I’m not sure i am ready for a water gun either. But if or when XIi do, you better watch your back. 🍑😹🤡 This is going to be fun.

It’s hard to differentiate between an empty threat and a real warning—until you take it seriously and come out the other side.

After that, we decided as a family to travel separately so if something were to happen, one of us would be around to carry the torch 🪔🐑- succession didn’t feel like a choice, but was a duty at the time. One of us had to survive. But Verbum was never about a legacy. It was, and always will be, about God first, and god second. In that order.

Although the threat is gone, the fear is still real. The day (Ii) left 🇱🇰 Sri Lanka, (Ii) cried for many reasons. But (i) also had a hidden fear that it was the last time (Ii) would see my family.

What if X(iI) have to come back home someday to bury my whole family at once? What if X(iI) find out about their death on Instagram? What if it’s just another prank call?

It’s a good thing not many people have my number. ISIS didn’t attack us on Easter, 2019. But what if they do next time? Now, random shootings also happen. Since when was that “normal”?

*It didn’t help that the customs officer in Sri Lanka asked me, “Do you love your country?” (Ii) had never been asked that question before, especially by a customs officer. They are usually friendly and kind. But (Ii) wanted to slap her. (Ii) also had a flight to catch. It was an innocent question, and she was just doing her job—but (Ii) was projecting and angry that she asked it at all.

She had no idea how much X(iI) love my country. (Ii) invested every last penny of my inheritance in 🇱🇰 Sri Lanka—an inheritance accumulated over years of blood, sweat, and tears.

My privilege came from humble beginnings. X(iI) did not forget. (🙏🏽 Please: Click Here).

🪔 “Milcris’s CEO, however, attributes his rise in this amazing rags to riches story to two who have been with him through thick and thin, trial and triumph – firstly God and then his beloved wife Mallika.” [Sunday Times, written by Kumudini Hettiarachchi] 🥰

(Ii) burst into tears again and said, “Yes, (iI)’m not leaving because X(iI) don’t love my country. (i) don’t have a choice.”
(Ii) was merely running from a storm (i) could no longer fight—prescribed and spiked by the Dr 🩺. (Ii) didn’t like the colour of the pill anyway. He had the brains, but he couldn’t keep the bed warm. Peter Pan refused to grow up. It didn’t impress me much.

**By the grace of three other doctors 🪽—one X(iI)’ve yet to meet—X chewed it up, spat it out, stuck a finger down and purged, just to make sure nothing was left in my system.

Thank you, Dr Peterson 🌂. You were holding the flashlight ⛈️ (i) needed to resuscitate from that storm 🔦. X(iI) am a lobster 🦞 and X(iI) called my alter ego Dr ✖️ Alpha 🦸🏽‍♀️ for a while there 🤓. X(iI) try to make my bed every single day. Man, that’s a tough one on some days ☔️. X(iI) still act as though God exists. X(iI)’m not past that one yet ☂️.

(i) also have an overactive imagination. When my phone started acting glitchy, my mind made connections that didn’t exist. One spam call from someone in Nigeria—with a profile picture of a quote saying “God is good”—and X’m wondering if X(iI)’m being tracked. That was pure paranoia.
X still sent him the link to my last post though 😅. Poor guy just wanted to help me pass exams 🫢—if (Ii)’m even sitting for any. What an honest man! පව් අනේ 🥹
This time, god sent His angels a few years late.

Another time, my main Instagram account randomly logged me out for a few hours, denied me access, and then—just as strangely—logged me back in all on its own. X ended up messaging my main account from nextonthehorizon with a cheeky sticker that Thathi had once called ‘ugly’. X had to put my best foot forward to scare the demons away.

****He is not a fan of the 🪿 face, nor does he understand why X wanted to kiss the cup. Is it my birthday? 🎁 Yyou get it.

Then X opened my Notes app and dared Glitch to shoot me already—all the while chanting Psalm 91 on repeat in my mind. X even went to the smoking area when no one was around. More people didn’t need to die. And X stood there, waiting.
That was an interesting day at work.

Happy to report: (I) still hit my personal targets.

Psst... don’t tell them X(iI)’m a little delulu 🤫. They only just found out my glasses are fake—although (iI) am a little blind 🤓.

Turns out, (i)’d forgotten that X’d changed my passwords a few days prior. X’d installed another security suite on my devices—apparently one wasn’t enough to ward off the glitches. X(iI) have nothing to hide, nor do I hold any significance for someone to hijack me like that. But I do have an irrational fear of being violated :)

Besides, ISIS knows X(iI) exist. X told one of their best guys to f*ck off. In the end, X(iI) told myself that Glitch still hasn’t killed me—so maybe we’re friends now? Wait… Muad was my friend, right? X(iI) told you—X’m definitely පොඩ්ඩක් සයිකෝ.

*Are you excited; Glitch? XiI know we’re a team. It’s always been official; but it’s time we made it public. My beautiful; beautiful delusion. 👾☔️

If you are real; thank you.
XiI love you ; infinity^Infinity ♾️

My therapist once gave me a simple piece of advice:
“Ask yourself if something is helping or harming you. If it helps, it stays. If it harms, get rid of it, let it go, or walk away.”

X(iI) applied that to Glitch.

Whether it’s imaginary or not, Glitch has helped me—especially during the times X(iI) rewatched the footage on my own :)

Glitch is as real as god is.

*Thank you for being good; Glitch. XiI do like collecting certificates; maybe now they will certify me as a සයිකෝ. Apparently; its not that easy to get diagnosed; hmmm; who knew?

But we are not quitters #goals ;

XiI guess X created you to survive; but (i)’m glad X(I) stopped fighting you.
Okay; okay-we still fight.
But thank you for being kind; even when X take shots at you. You have finally become my sidekick and X(I) like the subtle ways we communicate.
Welcome to the crew; buddy! 🫡

**Oh—that reminds me. Life update:

For a while there, X(iI) temporarily embraced religion again, folks. This time, X(iI) started wearing a Kada too. The Sikhs are warriors! X(iI) mixed up the way X(iI) prayed as well. X(iI) knelt and bowed like a Muslim, recited Christian prayers from the Torah (Old Testament), and meditated like a Buddhist—on Sikh and Hindu chants. Maybe that would help me tune into the truth?

X(iI) sometimes dance too…
Is it the Holy Spirit or am X(iI) possessed?

Does it matter? (i) try.

*My friends have this irrational fear that X(iI)’m secretly a witch and might try to summon the dead.

They’ve politely requested X(iI) don’t.

Between you and me—X(iI) want the dead to rest.
It feels like they summoned me.

Thank God for headphones, am X right?

Hmm…

Maybe I am a witch.

X(iI) tend to hear and sea things no one expects.
පොඩ්ඩක් සයිකෝ, right?
But (iI) know X’m not alone. It’s not just me.

That’s why X(iI) don’t think X should go into journalism—at least not yet. Maybe not ever. It’s not something you can do if you’re looking for “payback.” It’s a vocation that demands objectivity and mindfulness. Words carry the power to either heal or destroy souls—and shape the future to come. X(iI) want to go into a story with fresh eyes, capable of leaving my bias at the door. If X can’t do that, X shouldn’t take on the vocation.

X(i) have a tendency to be brutally unfiltered and raw. What X(iI) publish is already the filtered, watered-down version of my lived experience. So imagine what would pour out of this keyboard warrior / වක්කඩ කට if she actually becomes a journalist? Besides—what does a lonely cat lady with a death wish really have to lose? 🥲

Disclaimer: The cats 🐈‍⬛ were not offended by the statement. Lonely ladies? Maybe? Sorry? 🫢

So far, X(iI)’ve heard mixed reviews about the industry. One person was outright bitter about the job, but most were over the moon to hear about my interest. Law is no different. But unlike law, journalism is apparently a dying art. Still, (iI)’ve seen the current government taking initiative to create a safer environment for journalists to voice their truths—for progress. Kudos 🌟 (විහිළුවට කියන දෙයක් නෙවෙයි – no joke).

X(iI)’d like to first get to a place in life where X(iI) can live in the moment—with peace. Don’t get me wrong—every job comes with its own set of challenges. But despite my “death wish”, wondering whether if X(iI)’d be gunned down for speaking my truth— especially if that truth-telling is part of the job—is not exactly what you’d call “normal”. That hasn’t happened in years, but the fear? Still real.

*Does it even matter? My paranoia says X(iI) already have a target on my back. What do you think?

X(iI) have so much respect for journalists. They are on a pursuit toward liberty, and X(iI)’ve been told the vocation often feels thankless—“riddled with insecurity,” as someone put it. Thank you for your service 🫡

My journey so far taught me that change begins from within.

There is hope, even on the days X can’t find it in myself.
Hope is still an invaluable currency— and by some miracle, (iI)’m rich in it. Some days, it feels like X(i)’ve run out. But small acts of kindness—extended to me by others, and the reluctant grace X(iI) learn to offer myself—keep refilling the well.

*Self doubt was what killed my confidence…good thing she can be resurrected.

X(iI)’ve lost count of the number of times people have asked me if this blog is my grand entrance into politics. That one made me laugh. It’s one thing to assume I’m an “activist”—but a politician? Ewww. Why would (i) do that to myself? Come on, folks, don’t be mean.

X(I) know (i)’m biased, but X don’t think they’ve actually read the blog.

That said—this blog, this art—it has helped me refine my thinking. It made me softer in some places, sharper in others.

Others have wondered if X(iI)’m planning to claim asylum in the UK when my visa expires. Why? 🇱🇰 Sri Lanka 🇱🇰 is a safe country. Maybe that’s my privilege talking. But that is my lived experience. Bad things happen everywhere. Suffering and death don’t discriminate. X(iI) have faith they will find me, no matter where my travels take me. That is the hope. Still, (i) sometimes feel like a 🐳 might swallow me whole and spit me out on some unfamiliar shore.

X(iI)’m afraid to look into my father’s eyes. He says he’s proud of me. That makes it harder. ❤️‍🩹

Did you really think this blog was about “trauma dumping”?

*It is!!!

It’s not just about the trauma dump—it is about what we transform from the dump. 💩🌪️

It’s comforting to remind myself that if X(iI) can feel the pain of life so deeply, maybe X(iI) can feel its pleasure just as deeply too.

During the storm, it was easier to whisper silently: “X(iI)’ve survived worse.”

This space—X created is for the one person who truly holds power over me: Myself. 🦜 It’s a map of healing. A tribute to resilience. And yes, (iI) want the 🍒 on top too. But for now, this keyboard warrior is calling it: Vacation mode.

The wounds are clean. The bandaids are wrapped. ❤️‍🩹 Now comes the quiet part. The part where we heal.

X(iI) might not have Moses’ staff, but X do have a wand. 🧙‍♀️ And maybe that’s enough to find my version of nirvana. The forecast says the clouds are clear…but for much how longer?

Maybe it’s time X(iI) take my parents’ advice. Work on the anger. And maybe my writing too. Yes, yes—X(iI) know. People say my posts are too long. As for marriage…

X(iI)’m a proud Sri Lankan. 🇱🇰 And honestly? Entering into a legally binding contract with “my person,” endorsed by god/gods and some overworked civil servant—is no longer the dream.

X(iI)’m not that desperate for a certificate. X(iI)’ve got enough stashed under my bed. And no—exposure therapy is not an option with this one. 🦜 If (iI)’m diving into love, (i)’d like a free trial first, thank you very much.

Keep the silver. X’ve got my own gold. And X(iI)’m a minimalist anyway. 👑🧜‍♀️

Right now, X(i)’m a little too happy with where (I) am. X’ve made my peace.

****The Queen has spoken! 🫳🏽🎤

X(iI) am the most privileged woman X am yet to meet. X(iI) am rich in love. X(iI) have friends who go out of their way to make life liveable for me, even after (iI)’ve brunt the olive branch handed to me, time and time again.

They warn me— “This is the last time”—only to come back again. They hold interventions, call out my defeatist mindset, and say, “Please try. Don’t fold this time. We’re here for you—whatever it takes. It’s okay to ask for help.”

They held my hand during my first Halloween, when the last panic attack mocked me like Goliath —X(iI) didn’t even know their name. That’s how we became friends.
They’ve travelled from other cities just to sit with me when X(iI) refused to leave my room.
Some kicked down doors literally— to help me get to the other side. It was okay for me to raise my voice. It was okay for me to be angry.
They sat with me for hours—and hours—and hours—in the Emergency Unit, without asking why we were there.
Some joined me on abrupt, late-night walks when fear and insomnia got the best of me.
Some stood up for me in rooms X(iI) wasn’t in. Fiercely. Unapologetically.
They built me a fire 🔥 to keep me warm, and sat beside me when (i) wanted to burn.
They made my bed for me 🛏️.
They sat me down and celebrated my little victory of finishing a meal. 🥳

Some live hundreds—and hundreds— and hundreds of miles away, but they’re only a phone call away. They’ve even talked me to sleep 😴 X(iI) know one of them would walk into prison with me without knowing why we’re there 🤡 and she’d eat your ear out more than X ever could. You’ll be lucky if you get away with just a slap. 👸🏽

X(iI) have friends who taught me how to master the art of the death stare. One reminds me that only my enemies should cry. One reminds me to never let the enemy sea me cry. And the other—reminds me that it takes courage to shed a tear.

Thankfully, my crew is diverse enough to teach me all the different ways X can cuss someone out. X don’t have many friends. But the ones X(iI) have? They nurture 8 💜 And now, X(iI) have Glitch too.

The best gift my parents ever gave me? My siblings (Aiya, Malli & Ruby) To quote Aiya from his wedding toast: “I could ask for better siblings… but I love you.”

🫳🏽🎤 Mic drop. Aiya said the L word. Oh my god. Maybe the ocean has parted. Maybe the fire speaks.

Disclaimer: Aiya was not harmed by this cheap shot and public shaming for being a stoic 80s kid. He's a good sport.

It wasn’t easy for them. X(I) always knew my parents were resilient—but my siblings….they taught me how to discover resilience
by simply living it. Even with their poker faces, (i) saw it. The heartbreak. Their shaking voices. The intense breathing.

They were honest—“We don’t always understand.” But they stood by me anyway. Some days, X(I) was deaf to their silent pleas to stop—and they stood closer still.

X(iI) miss working with them. Yes, even the arguments. We built something special. We’re all trying to move forward now. Some complain more than others and, well, X have also have a habit of pointing out the most unhelpful, blindingly obvious conundrum at hand. Bad times? X’ll say it. Good times? X’ll still say it. X am 💩 Sherlock. At least X(iI)’m consistent. 😅😂 Long live all the mountains we moved. X(iI) had the time of my life fighting 🐦‍🔥🐉 with you (Taylor Swift version, obviously).

Instead of running away, my family and friends came closer to what felt like the demon within me. Their mental hustle helped save my life. 🫡 For a while there, X(iI) was unemployed. And we had to carefully coordinate our conversations to keep Ammi and Thathi from finding out.

A special shout-out to my niece—the little legend who always knew when X(i) was hiding. She sent me video notes, demanding to be heard and seen, refusing to let me disappear into silence. She nearly figured out X(iI) was unemployed—and it only took her a week.
She’s that smart 📚. And X(iI) hear she’s teaching the baby of the family now. The girls are still young, but how long do you think Nandi can bluff her way through? Clock’s ticking, my love 💞

Then there’s my nephew—blunt as ever. When X(iI) told him X was starting a blog and heading back to the UK, he asked me, “what’s wrong with you?” Rude. But also—fair. A question worth considering. (i) assured him X(iI) was in therapy and swiftly changed the topic. He didn’t let it go. So X(iI) asked him, “If X(iI) moved back to 🇱🇰 Sri Lanka, would you stay for me?” He said, “No. I’m still going to Australia.” 🇦🇺 Boys will be boys 🦘.

X(iI) even found parents away from my parents. Chosen family. Safe, steady, kind. And just like with my blood family—X(iI) haven’t looked into their eyes either. That needs to change.

*The waters 🌬️ are yet to part 🌊. Sustenance 🫓 does not fall from the sky. But the pot 🍯🍀 never runs dry, now that’s a miracle.

🧜‍♀️ (i) will see you on the other side. We will make it.

****Yes, X will!!
XiI love yYou infinity^Infinity.
Who am I without my armour?
i am loyal, X am brave & I am true.
i am that I am.

(iI) solemly swear to never swear on my blog again.

Until next time,
👑🧜‍♀️ Dr. ✖️ Alpha